BRAIN BALONEY

Every so often, these thoughts, they enter my mind, sometimes strong, sometimes weak. A random photograph, a song, a passage from a book, triggers my mind and I think.

Am I good enough?

Do I have what it takes?

Will I make it?

The people around me are sophisticated, poised, shrewd. They know how to get what they want. They know how to get around. They know the way.

They’re aware of the tactics, and they don’t mind breaking the rules. Morality comes later.

They are the types who won’t mind shoving it in your face; they won’t mind clawing you to get ahead.

They have it all, people say. They have it all.

And again I think:

Am I good enough? Good…but is it enough?

And then…then the Voice spoke aloud again. The very same Voice which had helped me when I needed it, the Voice which had guided me forward when I couldn’t see, the Voice which was always by my side. The Voice which urged me to move ahead no matter what, which kept me grounded when I floated above.

And the Voice told me, as it had always done, “The only person you need to be good enough for is only, and only, you. As long as you're honest to what you do, they cannot harm you. ”

And instantly, all my doubts, fears, insecurities were washed away. All of them. As long as I knew that I did my best, that I gave it all I had, that I was the best I could be…t’would be alright. I needn’t be good enough for them. I needed to be good enough for me, and for me alone.

They are whatever they are, but I'm not bad. I have a positive outlook, loving family, supportive friends and and numerous reasons to smile.

Content.

Thats what I am.

Content.

"I'm good enough, I'm smart enough and doggone it; people like me. " - Al Franken

When I was in Second (Or Third or Fourth, I don't remember clearly), there was a boy in my class named Akshat Bhandari. He always sat on the second-last seat in the second last row. We used to have 'seats with partners'. I always wanted to sit with him, and so did my friend Ashna. We both wanted to sit with him so much, that we started fighting over it. I came to school early so that I could be his partner. Ashna would come, give me an angry look and stalk off. And some days she'd come early. We both got so into this fight that we even resorted to some really, really desperate measures. We would push each other, pull each other's hair and a lot more. After a time, it wasn't about sitting with Akshat any more. I didn't care if I was Akshat's partner or not...all I cared about was that I had to beat Ashna to the seat. I had to have that 'in your face, I win this time' expression on me.

Happy Diwali, people!

c

As we grow up, we learn so many new, different things, gain knowledge and one day, we may become All That. But its important not to forget the little things that we were taught, because in the end, those are the things that help us.

It seems as if the only certain thing in my life…is Uncertainty. Everything right now is uncertain. Uncertainty comes with the Wait. The waiting, the wondering...will I get it? Will we go? Will it be OK? Will something happen?

Answers: None. Only the Wait.

I wake up one morning, thinking it to be any other normal day…and suddenly it seems as if the whole world’s tumbling down. And on the day something should happen, the huge feeling of anti-climax envelops me.

This Uncertainty, this makes each emotion extreme. Every single one. When I’ve lost all hope and I think, this is it. Ain’t gonna happen. And suddenly it does…obviously, I’ll be overjoyed. Over the moon. Bliss.

And when…when I wake up in the morning, excited, anticipative thinking, yes. Today’s the day. What I’ve been looking for. It all crumples down with the swish of a feather. With one wrong decision. Then I’m crestfallen, downcast.

It’s a wonder I haven’t been diagnosed with Bi-polar Disorder.

And at the end of the day I lie in bed thinking, ‘If only…’

What could have been had I…? The possibilities are endless. So are the outcomes.

With each decision dictating the next turn in our life…how do we choose the correct one?

With everything uncertain in the life, do we learn to go with the flow…or do we plan even more relentlessly?

With the world moving by in a rush, how do we keep our feet on the ground while keeping pace?

How?

"The only thing that makes life possible is permanent, intolerable uncertainty; not knowing what comes next" - Ursula K. LeGuin

I'm not blaming uncertainty; because in the end, uncertainty is what makes life enjoyable. I'm just saying...its not very easy to live with. Sixteen is not easy.

'Passion and satisfaction go hand in hand, and without them, any happiness is only temporary, because there's nothing to make it last.'